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Season 1

by Epic Beard Men

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k n u r d
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k n u r d Love the production mix! Lots of collaborative talent. Favorite track: DIYMFS.
Daniel Smith
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Daniel Smith Lyrically potent, hooky and with a wonderful oldschool vibe. Great stuff. Favorite track: Shotgun Golf.
Owen W
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Owen W Bombastic conscious hip hop a la Run the Jewels that keeps me bobbing my head the whole time, without a single lull in the tracklist. Inventive song topics and metaphors are delivered with relentless flows and matched with inventive beats. The production is maximal and dynamic, often changing several within a single verse. I hope the title of this project means we can expect more, because these two create magic together. Favorite track: Shotgun Golf.
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Shotgun Golf 03:26
Not Ur Uber 02:39
DIYMFS 04:08
Sage Francis: Let me give you like…a ball park estimate of when the seasonal depression starts to hit from all the darkness. (Pa, let’s get it lit!) When the weather’s not temperate and you welcome in the St. Nick looking bloke But then I squad up and we squat on your settlement. Rendering Neighborhood Crime Watch irrelevant. Color coded terrorists. Black out the curtains, whitewash the evidence. When us so-called snowflakes all dropped at once, y’all got so delicate. We storm on your dorm. Locked or not, we enter it. So, yes, that door knock was etiquette. Check the door knob, how red is it? Get your long scarf and leather mitts. Call your delegates, bittttch! (They’re frozen stiff.) That’s a form of shock. You’re left in it when the record skips And you’re not intelligent enough to bluff your way up out of this comeuppance. For too long we ignored Fox’s rhetoric. Small talk with devil spit. Horns lock and heads get split for the hell of it. From the shopping malls of Sioux Falls to the Walmart’s of Connecticut. To all boardwalks, war hawks of all sorts get desperate. The mom and pop shops are off limits, While the poor cop some better shit. Word to God, Jah, and Allah They’d better be giving these mall cops some benefits! While the stores slash their prices watch this sword chop an elephant, Leaving your stocking as desolate as a Hallmark sentiment. Fuck a sawed off, I’m at a callbox with a medical kit, But it’s still isn’t against the law to pop a metal clip (believe that shit?) I’m catching a second wind. Want me to call off the rest of the hit? Meet our demands, meet all our fans, this ain’t a goddamn war on Christmas… That’s ridiculous That’s just the day when it happens. This is quite obviously a war on capitalism! War on socialists! War on relatives! War on bratty kids! War on television! War on radiooooo! It is what it is… War on Christmas B. Dolan: Well it's the Ghost of Solstice future, spooking consumers Pagan runes are all up in your mini-mall! No tree in my city hall! No glee in my heart at all! Militant, the God of War, suited up: black boots and gloves, numerous troops in a mood to remove some stuff! Fools tell us to compromise the mission, Aim it at your North Pole With surface to air precision! Can you dig it? No mistletoe (oh?) But we got issues though (yo!) Cold as a blizzicane, Splinter brigade! Trained to confiscate your killer tape! Jingles will DISINTEGRATE quick! So Kringle this Kris! You on my hit list! Stay on my Grinch shit! I do not give gifts! That's why I'm rich, kids! Fuck it, it's on like a... Fitbit or a flipped switch when the 25th hits. Giving dipshits conniption fits. Division sparks the outrage At the Walmart when the doors part, and we all stop and about face. 'Til the elves get a proper wage... Fuck em. Tell em "Happy Holidays ‘Cause we’re tired of telling lies, pretending it wasn't true. Revolution televised, live on Fox News! We're coming for Santa Claus and your nativity too! You wanna declare war? We're gonna give it to you! Now it's the War On Retail! War on UPS! War on Mariah Carey! War on Gingerbread! War on Consumer Debt! War on Tradition! War on War on War on Christmas!


Physical versions of the EP on Galactic Blue-and-Orange Colored Vinyl, limited edition Phaser Beam Glitter Cassette, or Autographed CD NOW at


After a decade of sharing stages and crafting collaborations in the studio, real-life rap BFFs SAGE FRANCIS and B. DOLAN have finally caved to years of fan pressure to form an official group: EPIC BEARD MEN. The super-duo embraced the absurd name as a reminder to themselves that, while they tackle a lot of difficult subject matter in their solo work, this group’s mission boils down to one thing: “This is supposed to be fun, for fuck’s sake.”

Arriving with a playable, Streets of Rage-style web game to accompany it's 16-bit funk and lyrical savagery (available at, "FIVE HEARTS" is the lead single from "Season 1". The first offering of the year from EBM finds Sage and B over infectious production from Le Parasite, killing it in 2-player mode while reminiscing on a childhood wasted playing 'goddamn video games' and an adulthood with too few magical lakes. By the time the track shifts into full chiptune mode and bags another castle, the newly-minted duo have changed the high score. FILL HER UP!

Strange Famous Records released their “WAR ON CHRISTMAS” single for free last December as a teaser of what the team has in store for the new year, and made it crystal clear that these two are not just here to discuss personal grooming; The EPIC BEARD MEN are gunning for a spot among your favorite partnerships in music. The stockpile of songs they’ve been meticulously obsessing over for last 2+ years feature Francis and Dolan tackling a vast array of concepts and trading off some of the most sardonic, punchy, and fun lyrics you’re likely to hear in 2018.

The “SEASON 1” EP is stacked with a signature blend of dusty breaks and absurdist lyrics, infectious grooves and slapping snares, plus the effortless rapport of two of indie rap’s best passing the baton back and forth with the only other emcee capable of running this rap race at such a breakneck pace. EBM’s full-length debut album is slated to drop in October. In the interim, fans can expect videos, remixes, social media meltdowns, and lots...’o...touring.

Keep up with the adventures of the Epic Beard Men at:


released March 2, 2018

01 Five Hearts
Beat by Le Parasite
Additional Synth Programming by Adam Schneider
Outtro Chiptune by Adam Schneider
Additional vocal by Kalyn Heffernan of Wheelchair Sports Camp

02 Shotgun Gulf
Beat by Cecil Otter

03 Two Different Worlds
Beat by Swab
Mixed by DS3K
Scratches by Swab

04 Not Ur Uber
Beat by Sage Francis
Scratches by Swab and DJ Pain 1

Beat by Swab
Scratches by Swab

06 Fresh to Death (feat. Dope KNife)
Beat by Alias

07 Space Ghettos
Beat by Reanimator
Scratches by Mr. Dibbs

08 Dumb Ass Kids
Beat by B. Dolan
Beat tracked and mixed by DS3K
Additional synth programming by Adam Schneider
Scratches by Swab


09 War On Christmas
Beat by B. Dolan.
Additional synth programming, mixing and mastering by DS3k
Additional synth and guitars by Adam Schneider
Intro vocal by Kathleen Stubelek

10 House of Bees
Beat by Buck 65
Originally released in 2009 on Sage Francis’ “Sick of Wasting” mixtape

11 2Bad
Beat and scratches by Buddy Peace
Originally released in 2012 on B. Dolan’s “House of Bees, Vol 2” mixtape

12 You Can’t Win
Beat by Buddy Peace
Mixed by DS3k
Originally released in 2013 on Sage Francis’ “Sick to D(eat)h” mixtape

Except where noted, vocals and writing for all songs by Sage Francis for Sage Francis Publishing (ASCAP) and B. Dolan for Bear Heart & The Spare Parts (ASCAP.)
All songs mixed by Alias and mastered by Daddy Kev.
Cover art by Chris. B. Murray. Layout by Storm Davis.

Sage Francis and B. Dolan would like to send love to the following beardos:

Everyone listed in the sound credits of this EP...infinite appreciation! The whole Strange Famous massive. Our family and friends who continue to tolerate our relentless pursuit of childhood dreams. Storm Davis, Pat Jensen, Danny Brown, Hugo Lopez, Peter Agoston, Gumshoe Films, Kyle Eustice, Cory Santilli, Jay Brown, Johnny Sevigne, A. D. Zyne, Stephen Mitchell, Samuel Gehrke, Superhero-Studios, Allan McKernan, Buck 65, Barry and Helen Crimmins, Daniel Madison, Inkymole, Jamie Elder, RSE, Scroobius Pip & Speech Development Records, Doomtree, ClassSick Custom, Matt Rego, Kathleen Stubelek, and Pistol Dave. Apologies to the hundreds of people we're surely forgetting. Thanks for nothing I guess!



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Epic Beard Men Providence, Rhode Island

Sage Francis + B. Dolan = EBM. for all album and tour info.

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