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War On Christmas [Single]

by Epic Beard Men

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EPIC BEARD MEN (the SAGE FRANCIS + B. DOLAN super-duo) are spreading their special brand of cheer this season by declaring “WAR ON CHRISTMAS."

May this free single help you de-stress and be blessed during these holidays of high-anxiety.

Check out the new EBM merch items at and stay tuned to their social media channels to stay up to date on all the new music and tour dates we've got planned for 2018: or @EpicBeardMen



"War on Christmas" Lyrics

Sage Francis:

Let me give you, like, a ballpark estimate...
of when the seasonal depression starts to hit
from all the darkness. (Pa, let’s get it lit!)
When the weather’s not temperate
and you welcome in the St. Nick looking bloke
But then I squad up and we squat on your settlement.
Rendering Neighborhood Crime Watch irrelevant.
Color coded terrorists.
Black out the curtains, whitewash the evidence.
When us so-called snowflakes all dropped at once, y’all got so delicate.
We storm on your dorm. Locked or not, we enter it.
So, yes, that door knock was etiquette.
Check the door knob, how red is it?
Get your long scarf and leather mitts. Call your delegates, bittttch!
(They’re frozen stiff.)
That’s a form of shock. You’re left in it when the record skips
And you’re not intelligent enough to bluff your way up out of this comeuppance.
For too long we ignored Fox’s rhetoric. Small talk with devil spit.
Horns lock and heads get split for the hell of it.
From the shopping malls of Sioux Falls to the Walmarts of Connecticut.
To all boardwalks, war hawks of all sorts get desperate.
The mom and pop shops are off limits,
While the poor cop some better shit.
Word to God, Jah, and Allah
They’d better be giving these mall cops some benefits!
While the stores slash their prices watch this sword chop an elephant,
Leaving your stocking as desolate as a Hallmark sentiment.
Fuck a sawed off, I’m at a callbox with a medical kit,
But it still isn’t against the law to pop a metal clip (believe that shit?)
I’m catching a second wind. Want me to call off the rest of the hit?
Meet our demands, meet all our fans, this ain’t a goddamn war on Christmas…
That’s ridiculous
That’s just the day when it happens.
This is quite obviously a war on capitalism!
War on socialists!
War on relatives!
War on bratty kids!
War on red hats!
War on television!
War on radiooooo!
It is what it is…
War on Christmas

B. Dolan:

Well it's the Ghost of Solstice future, spooking consumers
Pagan runes are all up in your mini-mall!
No tree in my city hall! No glee in my heart at all!
Militant, the God of War, suited up: black boots and gloves,
numerous troops in a mood to remove some stuff!
Fools tell us to compromise the mission,
Aim it at your North Pole
With surface to air precision!
Can you dig it?
No mistletoe (oh?)
But we got issues though (yo!)
Cold as a blizzicane,
Splinter brigade!
Trained to confiscate your killer tape!
Jingles will DISINTEGRATE quick!
So Kringle this Kris!
You on my hit list!
Stay on my Grinch shit!
I do not give gifts!
That's why I'm rich, kids!
Fuck it, it's on like a... Fitbit or a flipped switch when the 25th hits.
Giving dipshits conniption fits.
Division sparks the outrage
At the Walmart when the doors part,
and we all stop and about face.
'Til the elves get a proper wage...
Fuck em.
Tell em "Happy Holidays

‘Cause we’re tired of telling lies, pretending it wasn't true.
Revolution televised, live on Fox News!
We're coming for Santa Claus and your nativity too!
You wanna declare war? We're gonna give it to you!
Now it's the War On Retail!
War on UPS!
War on Mariah Carey!
War on Gingerbread!
War on Consumer Debt!
War on Tradition!
War on
War on
War on


released December 20, 2017
Vocals/lyrics by Sage Francis and B. Dolan.
Beat by B. Dolan.
Additional synth programming, mixing and mastering by DS3K.
Additional synth & guitars by Adam Schneider.
Mixed by Alias.
Intro vocal by Kathleen Stubelek.
Artwork by Sam Dunn.


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Epic Beard Men Providence, Rhode Island

Sage Francis + B. Dolan = EBM. for all album and tour info.

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